I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
