I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
