i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
