At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
