I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
