The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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