How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
