this boner is exhausting
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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