i love accidental penises.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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