But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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