of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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