im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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