soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
