I faked an abortion last night.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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