I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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