My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
