im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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