Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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