Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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