I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
