nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
