you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
