my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
