i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
