Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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