I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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