Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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