I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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