Don't make out with my wife yet
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
