I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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