I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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