just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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