I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
