Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
