Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
