I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
