I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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