the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
