I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
