Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
