its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
