my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
