cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You can't special order awesome
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
