i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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