I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
