you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
