I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
