He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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