I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
