I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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