I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
