his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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