I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
