Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
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