How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
