Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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